Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Being the Book

I have always hated the limelight.  I hate to be noticed.  My whole me-ness shows this.  In years past, I have bought raffle tickets and hoped I wouldn't win so that I didn't have to walk in front of all those people.  I didn't ever want to win at BINGO in class and have to shout it out.  I'm pretty sure I've just pretended not to win before to avoid the whole "embarrassing" situation.  I have, until very recently, dressed very unnoticiably, avoiding color or flare.  Of course, having 6 children and driving a 15 passenger van does make one stand out, it is hard to blend into the crowd when you bring to crowd with you.

I have spent so much time and effort trying to not be noticed, that sometimes it has backfired on me.  I'm a behind the scenes worker, happy to do my part with little acknowledgement.  Yet there have been occasions where I have felt like I deserved more acknowledgement than I have gotten, causing me to be torn between my fear of being seen and not liking to be ignored.  I'm a complicated creature.

It came to me the other day, that people, events, and life are like books.  Some people are forever destined to be the cover of the book.  You know the ones, many of them are friends that we love and adore.  They are the ones that make an entrance, that bring flare and dramatic effect to the book.  They make the book look good, appealing.  People see them and whatever they get involved in, they stand out.  Covers are important, for no matter how often admonished otherwise we will continue to judge a book, at least initially, on its cover.  A good book should have a good cover.  Covers are important.  I know many covers without whom I wouldn't want to be a part of the book.

Other people are the title page.  Honestly, unless you are a nerd like me, you rarely even notice that there is a title page.  It is a very important page.  The only page, in fact, that some information will be found on.  Yet it is a drab little over looked page.  No one really cares, except the author, that it is even there.

Then of course are all the pages in the book that make up the story.  They are each needed or the story will be boring and disjointed  Book pages are just as important as covers and title pages.

I think of myself as a title page.  I'm controlling and so I like to be in charge of things.  So, my complicated little brain begins to struggle.  The older and more confident and comfortable I've become, I am becoming less happy to be the title page all the time.  Yet, I'm not sure I'm ready or capable of being the cover.  I just can't pull off that kind of "appeal".  I'm not sure I want any book I'm writing to be judged upon how I "appear". 

So it becomes the epic battle, ego, self worth (or lack there of), humility, they cause a constant struggle in my brain.  I never choose to do a thing, good bad or indifferent, because of how it will appear.  I don't make Sally a meal when her dog is sick because it will make me look good.  And yet, I find myself hiding less behind my drabness and more willing to be noticed.  Now I have to balance ego and humility.  How does one legitimately desire credit for their work yet balance a humble spirit, knowing that whatever the job, it is for the glory of God, not oneself? 

So if life is a book, then each story must have a title page and a cover, along with a lot of pages to make it interesting.  Does it matter which you are?  If you are willing to be in the book, that is the important part.  Being willing to make up the story, be a part of it, if even just a page.  Is it "fair" that some people are destined to be the cover and others are destined to be the title page?  Yes.  Because our lives should be lived for the story, not the glory.  And if the only one that really cares what the title page says is the author, then I'm glad that The Author is willing to put me in His book at all, title page, last page or any page in between!

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