When I Grow Up

If you ask my kids what they want to be when they grow up, you will get an assortment of answers. One has wanted to be a missionary or perhaps a teacher, maybe a pastry chef. One is convinced he is going to start his own landscaping business. One wants to work in a robot factory (owned by his friend) and design trucks and eventually start his own business making robots and trucks. We have an aspiring ballerina (today at least). And one wants to be a monkey.

As a kid, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, aside from a very short stint as an aspiring country singer or police officer, I spent my entire childhood, adolescence and young adult years planning to be a teacher when I grew up. Now here I am, wondering not what I'll be when I grow up, but rather when I will be a grown up.

I remember when I was young there was a show on television called "ThirtySomething". I never watched it, my dad and I both thought it sounded rather ridiculous. I couldn't fathom what the point could possibly be. So? A bunch of people who are "thirty something", what's the point. I'm still not sure what the show was about, but now I think I'm understanding the term at least.

As a child, I planned my life until 25. After that, well, I didn't think about after that. Now I'm after that. My life is nothing like it was at 25, and for that I am thankful. Yet, I still am not sure about this elusive "grown up" that I remember thinking so much about, planning so long for. I don't feel like a grown up. Sure, I'm a mom with 6 kids. I own a house or two. I've had a real job. My husband goes to work and comes home every day. Yet, I am not sure I'm quite ready to be considered a grown up.

My husband began considering a possible job change. My first thought was, "Uh, that's a grown up job. We aren't ready for that!" Now, mind you, my husband has a nice job now doing IT work; I'm not disparaging my husband or his work, but we both realize that the possible change would be grown up stuff.

Recently, we met with a gentleman to drill us a new well. This man is my age. What business does he have drilling wells? That's grown up stuff!

Then, out of the blue, my dad calls and asks me to do his taxes. Does that make me a grown up?

All of this really begs the question "Is there really such a thing as this elusive term 'grown up'?"

So, dear reader, tell me what does "grown up" mean to you and what do you want to do/be when you grow up?

My Box

I really do have it all. I have an amazing heavenly Father who loves me enough to never give up on me and continue to grow me to what He has designed be to be.

I have an amazing, wonderful husband who truly loves me more than I deserve, more than I have a right to expect.

I have 5 (plus 1) great kids who keep me on my toes, teach me daily about life and love, love me despite my flaws, think I'm amazing and in general give me more joy than I knew was possible.

I have great friends who understand my many, many quirks and flaws and despite that seem to think I'm okay anyway. I have friends that I know would drop anything for me, friends who stand in the cold working on water issues, mow my yard, encourage me in all that I do.

I have a wonderful family, parents who love me, siblings that still think I'm okay even though I'm insane enough to have this many children, and nieces and nephews who still somehow remember the fun aunt of their youth and think I'm ok, not cool of course, but ok.

What more could I want? I don't know. The truth is in spite of all this, I feel - well I don't know the right word for it. I feel as though I'm standing in a glass box watching the world go by. I have wonderful plans and ideas as to how to improve the world (even my little piece of it), but I'm stuck in this little box that doesn't let me do any of it. Intellectually I know all these things to do, but I cannot open the door to let out the knowledge, skills and even heart stuck inside.

The world, time, it's moving too fast and I'm so busy trying to get out of this box and do something, that I'm not doing anything. Days go by, weeks go by, months go by, years go by and nothing changes. I can't free myself from this box to do that which I know to do.

I know God has put some great stuff in me to use for His kingdom, I just feel like it's stuck inside me, stuck in this box watching the world go by.

Random Thoughts

Did you read the subtitle of this blog? Right there under "Moozann's Mind". I'll wait, scroll up and check it out. Ok. Ready? I warned you.

On my previous post about Loopholes (Archive 2009): I checked on my boys yesterday only to find them playing in my Brother-In-Laws truck (why it's here while he is in Missouri is a whole other story). I called them in and explained this was not allowed. I was countered with "It wasn't on the list of things you said we couldn't do", you know - stay out of the mud, don't play in the lake forming in our front yard, stay out of the barn... I explained that I cannot tell them everything they aren't supposed to do, I can't think that far ahead and encouraged them to use some thought. Are you allowed to play in the van? No. Were you allowed to play in the Suburban? No. Then why would you expect to be allowed to play in the truck? One asked me if I could give them a list of things they couldn't do.....

On my previous post "Three year old say WWHHHAAATTT!" (Archive 2010): My three year old still needs help wiping when she potties, which is annoying to me, but I'm trying to deal with it. She's so cute which makes it easier. She likes (especially at Grandma's house) to run into the bathroom and hide waiting for me. Sometimes she hides behind the door or behind the towel hanging on the towel rack. Several times however, she has been sitting on the toilet with her eyes squeezed tight. "I was hiding behind my face!"

And one last rant, if you will indulge: I wonder why it's okay for someone with one kid who is frustrating them while trying to get ready or accomplish a task, to have another kid, even though the one is frustrating them at that moment. Yet, if you have 5 and decide to have another you aren't ever allowed to ever be frustrated with any of your other kids because "you are the one who decided to have another one." To all of you with the "normal" number of kids (1-3) don't you sometimes get frustrated with your children? Am I supposed to be super human because I have number six due in March? It's not as if I can't stand to be with my children, or manage them, or take them out in public or am embarrassed by them, or pawn them off on everyone else to raise. But I am sorry people, I get frustrated occasionally. But the truth is, I got frustrated just as much (probably more) when there were only 2!

Be Careful What You Wish For

A few months ago, I found myself overwhelmed and tired. Tired of having too much to do, tired of getting nowhere in all I needed to do, tired of being busy. I needed a break from my everyday life, but I couldn't really take a break. Five kids, homeschooling, babysitting, perpetually messy house, church commitments, hosting a bible study, pregnant, life was busy. Good busy. Full of the things I wanted to do kind of busy, but very busy.

What do I give up? There is really nothing I wanted to give up, but I couldn't figure out where to go. So my gracious and amazing God took matters into His own hands, as He is so capable of doing. He yanked me out of my busy life. Forced me to have some time to rest, sent me on a little vacation, made me realize what is truly important in life, what is good but removable from my life, and what needed to go. God is good, and patient, and kind.

Shortly after Christmas we began to have problems with our well. You can read full details in the entry below if you are so inclined. These issues have caused me to be displaced from my home to my in-laws for a good amount of time. My in-laws have all the luxuries: mostly regular heat in the house no hot spots/cold spots, jacuzzi tub, satellite, high speed internet, another adult to help cook, another adult to help clean, someone to go to the grocery store. It was a rough life. I enjoy my time there, but it is hard not being at home. Just as I was trying to work out a plan, a routine of sorts that would allow us to be up there some to do laundry/bathe and be here to clean, babysit and do school, my family was hit with a stomach virus.

My littlest got sick with this virus first. We stayed home from church. Then I got it. I canceled my babysitting kids. I spent an entire day asleep in bed or on the couch. I began recovering only to discover that my baby was puking again. Canceled babysitting for the rest of the week and returned to my in-laws.

Life began to return to normal, minus water for shower/laundry. Just as I thought we were all ready to resume life as planned, child number 2 comes down with the bug. Again I canceled some of my babysitting and church. Meanwhile my house kept getting worse and worse and I was only able to be home long enough to unload whatever was in my van and throw more stuff in my van. I began getting more and more frustrated.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law graduated from Army Basic Training in Georgia. We took a road trip to Georgia with 5 kids and a grandpa for most of a week. We ate in restaurants, relaxed in a hotel room, and in general had nothing we had to do. We even got to see an old friend of my husband's from high school.

Oh, did I mention that my husband's grandfather died the day we were planning to leave for Georgia. That was a whole other layer of complication as we tried to figure out details for the funereal and for going to Georgia. We returned from Georgia to my in-laws house late Friday night, spent Saturday unloading and doing laundry, managed to go to church on Sunday and finally the funereal on Monday.

We finally got home late Monday night to find that some dear friend(s) came and cleaned house for us! What a blessing! Now we are back from our trip, chilling at home, babysitting, finally made it to church.

Life is still crazy. I still have to go to my in-laws for a shower and laundry. But I've seen reality. Reality is that all that matters is my family, being together. Reality is that other people have problems. Reality is that I have too much stuff, most of which can go away and will never be missed. Reality is that most of what I do, while good and helpful, is not so important that God cannot accomplish it without me.

Now I am in the process of reprioritizing. I'm massively decluttering my house. I'm trying to rebuild routines that will help me organize. I am planning for the birth of our newest baby. I am going to try to let God do His job, and only do what He has asked me to do. I am sure I'll get over committed and overwhelmed again, and I am sure God will "gently" remind me of what's important. But for now, I am looking up and looking ahead, pleased with where I am in the midst of still have so little certainty with my water, having absolute certainty with my God.